....

 Amooma..I don't remember calling you fondly or expressing much affection.. Infact I don't think I even realised the kind of affection I felt, until you were gone.. Leaving me with lots of regrets... You were right there with me for more than three decades.. and we took you for granted all those years...I miss the evening talks we used to have once in a while.. where you would remember and tell old tales from your younger days... And i would once again realise the magnitude of the struggles you have been through and realise how little my issues were in comparison..I remember how everyone used to accuse that you were partial to me among your grandchildren..I remember how you used to apply oil on my hair while I slept... And how irritated you used to be whenever I cut my hair...I remember how watchful you used to be once I entered my teenage days...I remember how you always always ensured that everyone is fed properly...I imagine how you would've scolded me for being such a lazy mother and how you would've smiled at Neelus antics...I remember and regret the hurtful things I have told you in moments of anger for silly things.. I remember the words of comfort you have offered me during my difficult days.. And how I used to find solace in them...I remember and still feel the strength you carried with you and I search for it's warmth whenever I struggle..

I remember your words that nothing will happen to your kids when you are around... And I believe that you are still around, watching over us, being our guardian angel..

I remember you whenever I face difficulties and try to keep you alive in my memories... But memories fade and hence I'm jotting down these trying to hold onto whatever is left of you..

Miss you.

My journey to motherhood - part 2

Post my pregnancy loss, i availed the miscarriage leave which turned out to be a grave mistake. Being home, all by myself added fuel to my depression. Those days were dark, but let's not go into the details. Things began to improve when I rejoined work. Thankfully I had a good friend circle and a comfortable work environment at the office back then. But the emotional trauma of a miscarriage wouldnot let me think of another pregnancy. I could see myself worrying about another miscarriage, throughout the months if I were to get pregnant again. It was a catch-22 for me. I wanted the baby, but did not want to put myself in the pressure cooker for 9 months. When rats and rabbits could do it in a month, I wondered why we needed 9 months ! He kept telling me to relax and not think about it for a while. But the social pressure of "vishesham onum aayile" and the reminders from Vanitha about how fast your biological clock is ticking and how you should always always have a baby before you turn 30, were getting to me. I decided to do some root cause analysis and dragged him to an infertility clinic. The doctor there asked us "You got pregnant when you wanted, then why are you here ?". He gave me a death stare and muttered "I told you so". I clarified that I wanted to know why it happened and how we can prevent it. Sometimes there are no explanations, they confirmed. They did some basic tests and informed we were fine. They explained Darwin's Theory again [facepalm] and he glared at me more.

I finally somehow made peace with the incident and decided to move on. A year and a half passed and I conceived again. Both our families suggested that I take leave at least for the first trimester. I obliged as the doctor seemed to agree with them. I came and stayed at my home and they even shifted my room to the ground floor to avoid the frequent stairs. I felt elated and relieved when they detected the heartbeat. Spending days inside the walls of my home, I thought life was starting to get boring. And then one evening, I discovered that I am bleeding. But I was determined not to go into the panic mode this time. Once in the hospital, they confirmed that the heartbeat is intact and that it is quite common in the first trimester these days. I was given some injections and was back home on bed rest. There were some more similar incidents, but every time they confirmed that the baby is fine. It was an emotionally draining experience going back and forth to the hospital. I didn't dare to dream this time. But my hopes began to rise, as I was nearing the end of the first trimester. 

l was scanning the face of the doctor who did my scan and I detected his frown even before he detected something. When I inquired, he informed me that it is probably nothing, but that the sac was a bit smaller than usual and hence the fluid was a little less. I was prescribed some medicines to help increase the fluid and was referred to do an NT scan. Again, I noticed the radiologists eyebrows furrow during the NT scan. He thought that the fluid levels were fine, but the NT value was very slightly higher than normal and forwarded me for the double marker test [NT scan and double marker test are screening tests which help detect chromosomal abnormalities in the baby. But the result just gives you a probability]. So my results put me in the higher risk category for the baby having a chromosomal variation [like Down's, Edward and Patau's syndrome etc]. I was putting up a brave face in the pregnancy so far. But I was shattered after this. I cried. I screamed. People tried to calm me down, telling me that these results are not definitive, but only probable. I googled like there is no tomorrow. I read up on the experiences of people who walked this way. I realized that we never understand what people are going through until it happens to us. It takes immense strength to be a special parent and most of them are ready to go any mile for their little one. But everyone worries about the day when they may not be around. I had started feeling my tiny baby's movements by then. It felt like butterflies in my stomach. In what should've been one of the happiest moments of my life, I was feeling helpless as I never had. With a tear escaping my eyelid, I whispered that I will love you no matter what. Meanwhile, he was still hopeful and was running around looking for ways ahead. The only definitive way to find out if there's an issue was to do an amniocentesis [which is extracting amniotic fluid around the baby and testing it], but it has a slight risk of miscarriage. We were asked to meet Dr Henry who was one of the acclaimed pediatric doctors in Kerala - for his opinion. He used to visit Metro Labs every Thursday evening. When we called up, we were told to come at 8PM and we did. What I experienced there was beyond words.There were many pregnant women and other parents waiting to meet the doctor, awaiting the destiny of their child. We shared stories and empathized with each other during the long wait. I was among the last and got to meet the doctor at around 5 in the morning. He was a nice person, completed my scan and informed me that he didn't see any anomalies related to the chromosome variations in the scan currently and asked for a repeat after a couple of weeks. I went back home and slept peacefully at 6 in the morning after many days. 

I read about Aditya Tiwari, who at 27 adopted a baby having Down's syndrome when the baby's parents had abandoned him. I thought that if a stranger can be so compassionate to the child, we will also find that strength if the need arises. I went shopping looking for the next size as my tummy was becoming bigger. I saw cute baby dresses and asked him if we would be able to buy these. His reply was a smile. I resumed work, thinking that it will keep me busy. I did my work and smiled at the issues and escalations, wondering how important I once thought these were. I met the doctor again and he did not see any specific issues and suggested that we can have an amniocentesis done, if I wanted to be sure. We decided against it, thinking about the risk of miscarriage. Meanwhile, we moved to kims hospital keeping neonatal care also in mind. Due to the case history, I was referred to Dr Vidya Lakshmi who handles high risk pregnancy and fetal medicine - who was one of the most compassionate doctors i have met in my life. She was out of town and one of her junior doctors did a detailed scan and found that the umbilical cord was having a single artery - which is a marker that slightly increases the probability of an issue. So finally, we had to opt for amniocentesis. I applied for a couple of weeks leave so that I can be on full rest after the procedure. Him, being a firm believer, stood in front of the deity teary eyed. Seeing him miserable, the poojari asked the reason, consoled and suggested some prayer rituals. I met Dr Vidya, who filled me with positivity. But I felt her concern rise during the scan and she called him in. She struggled to convey that the baby had a serious congenital heart defect and hence even if the results of amniocentesis were normal, we probably may have to make the really hard choice of letting the baby go. While everyone else was heartbroken, I went totally numb. I couldn't sleep for days. I felt afraid of darkness. I startled every time the baby moved. Amniocentesis results confirmed that the baby did not have any chromosomal variations. He ran around, meeting doctors, getting references to pediatric cardiologists/surgeons and looking for some hope. We met Dr Naveen Jain and Dr Henry and got references to SCT and Amritha. Everyone seemed to agree with Dr Vidya and tried to console us that usually these things are not detected this early and hence the heartbreaks are more severe in other cases. Even some relatives tried to console me about how God helped identify it. But I couldn't understand why He forgot to add the major blood vessel in my baby's heart in the first place. I was angry at the world and God. I couldn't understand my father and husband visiting temples yet and felt angry at them too. Once again I stayed in the labor room, listening to other babies' cries and bidding goodbye to mine. This time he was also with me in the labor room. I had placed his hand over me and asked to feel my baby move for the last time. I had asked him to guess the gender and he told 'let it be a boy'. And boy it was. Labor was difficult. But it didn't matter. Only he saw our precious baby. I didn't. There in that labor room, in the middle of the grief that only we two could fully fathom, we decided that we are enough for each other for this lifetime.

My journey to motherhood: My tiny little star

I always knew I was not great mother material. I hardly played with kids or made efforts when any babies were around. Eventhough I found their smiles and giggles cute, I got annoyed at their tantrums and meltdowns and wondered why they are behaving the way they do. But my other half was great with kids. He used to make faces and play peek-a-boo with random kids we see on journeys. They would respond and giggle seeing his gimmicks. I imagined his happiness when we would have one and we slowly decided to start a family (even though I was damn scared about hospitals and medical procedures). So around a year and a half into our marriage, I conceived soon after we planned. Like almost every first pregnancy, I blushed, both families were overjoyed and he brought sweets. My younger sister who is fond of singing started checking out lullabies. Unaware of the journey I had in store, I announced the news to friends and teammates immediately. My cousin handed me over this book on pregnancy - reading which I even started talking sweet little nothings to my unseen baby. I shifted my seat from the second last row of the office bus to the first and walked around in my dream world assuming that I am beaming with pregnancy glow. I considered names for my baby, read about the diets followed by pregnant women and thought about  attires to wear for the functions ahead. All in a week's time. My world came crashing down when I noticed a tint of blood in the loo - after which I started crying frantically. My mother tried to pacify me telling such things happen during early pregnancy at times. Her efforts were in vain as I had already assumed the worst. Minutes in the hospital waiting to get scanned felt like hours. After what seemed like ages, the doctor told me that he's unable to see the sac - which means I could either be losing the pregnancy or that it's too early to see the details in the scan. I was in more tears and the nurses tried their best to calm me down. I was asked to repeat some blood tests after 48 hours to confirm if the pregnancy is progressing. Those were the longest 48 hours of my life. I prayed like never before, spent the entire time in bed as the ignorant me believed that bed rest saves pregnancies, kept telling my baby to hold onto me and that we would somehow make it. He was also devastated and was struggling to keep me positive. The results that came affirmed that we were losing the baby. I was asked to get admitted in the labor room the next day for the closure procedures. The doctor talked about Darwin's theory and the nurses consoled me telling that I am too young and that it's just a year into our marriage. For the world it was just another early pregnancy. But for me, it was my baby whom I had talked to, whom I had already named in my head, our first born. I was in no mood for infertility worries or survival theories. I remember us walking out into the rain with broken hearts and shattered dreams. That night, I asked my sister to sing once before my baby is gone and she did, with tears welled up in her eyes. I cursed myself, lying in the labor room enduring the pain and hearing the cries of other newborns. I prayed that my baby feel no pain. I tried to convince myself that my baby would come back to me stronger. When we overheard someone there sigh over getting a girl child, I struggled not to envy them and wished the newborn a blessed life ahead. Finally, I was back home. But believe me, if post partum depression is bad, PPD without a baby is hell.

"I hoped you would get his eyes. But you never opened them for me to find out"

Note: I hope to write the rest of my journey soon. I wish to provide hope to people who are struggling in similar paths. Having said that, I also would like to reiterate that motherhood is no destination in a woman's journey, but a purely optional path.

How I Met HIM

I came here to add a post after many many years and found this post which was written but never posted. So posting this first.

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 Got a mail asking How you met your Valentine -  as part of Valentines Day Celebrations in office - which made me scribble down a few words. It was quite difficult to write after such a long time. I didnt know what to do with it as I didnt intend to send the entry for any competition.Then I remembered my long forgotten blog. Here is an addition to it..

I met him on a Valentine’s Day. I am not sure if it was sheer co-incidence or if poor Cupid was trying to send some signs to me.

He joined my team on Feb 14 2011. As usual, we were not that comfortable when someone new joined our gang. But slowly he made a place of his own in our pack. While Cricket World Cup Fever, Movie discussions and his deadly PJs set the beginning of our acquaintance, unexpected network outages affirmed it. From teammates we grew into good friends gradually. We hardly ever talked outside our friends circle or called each other, but through the years a sense of mutual respect grew within us. Then in a sudden twist of tales, there arose a suggestion of tying our friendship in a nuptial knot. The thought was so disturbingly new that two people who never missed a chance of pulling each others leg,  found it difficult to make even eye contact [atleast I did]. After the initial shock, the question I pondered over shifted from why to why not. There was the fear of risking the friendship  as well as  the wish to be there for each other for a lifetime. We talked out our apprehensions, insecurities  and finally decided to take things forward. Thus with everyone’s blessings, we entered the wedlock. Over the past year he is under the process of clearing off the misconceptions he had of me. He also agrees to the fact that his patience , culinary skills, anger management capabilities, ability to appreciate and find happiness in smaller things in life [like peaceful nap and edible food ] and a lot more has improved drastically post marriage.Yours truly is glad to have contributed to make her better half better :-)

Randamoozham- Tale of the so called Fat Dumbo

It was really long since I read a Malayalam Book, so grabbed ‘Randamoozham’ as soon as my eyes landed on it. For the unknown, Randamoozham is a book written by M.T depicting Mahabharatam from Bheeman’s perspective. I am no one to judge which version is the truth, but loved the view from a different angle. Having heard mahabharatham and Ramayanam a zillion times from Apoopan, I thought I knew them well enough. Of course it was about 20 years ago that I used to fall asleep in amoomas bed listening to these epics. Similar to the song 4 u shows that we see around, i could choose which part of the story i wanted to hear and he would narrate it in great detail. Arjunan emerged as the superstar in all those stories and I adored him. The part where prince Utharan goes for war with Duryodanan, but gets scared when he reaches there and Arjunan who was in disguise as Brahanala fights for him and wins the war was my favorite. I would ask apoopan for that story again and again, he would describe it every time patiently with the same enthusiasm. Its been about 10 years since his demise. I miss him.
Yet, I had forgotten many parts of the story and when I read the book it gave me this peculiar pleasure of reviving some faded childhood memories. I had read in one of Amir Khans interview that he thinks Mahabharatam has the potential similar to The LOTR. Im not commenting on that as yours truly is yet to watch LOTR [embarrassed]. But this is one hell of a story. Last week if someone had asked what its about I wouldve told .. there lived some bros and they all wanted the country and they fought for it. Random stuff i remember from the book follows. < Spoiler alert >

Jeernavastrangal - Liked this particular chapter more where Krishnan during the war tells the brothers that human bodies are clothes for the soul and it is just these clothes which get destroyed. The soul remains. It chooses new clothes. Hence death doesnt matter. Krishnan is shown as a normal human being with flaws just like anyone else, and not as Lord Krishna. Nor has the author mentioned anything about Gita. Even though Krishnan gives this valuable advice, his nephews death saddens him. Bheeman realizes that preaching and practicing are different things.

Droupadi swayamvaram – Arjunan wins her. When they bring her home, Kunti [ without coming out of the house] asks them to share what they got. I knew this already. Then comes the twist. The brothers laugh off Kuntis “accidental” inappropriate words. But then yudishtiran doesnt let it go that easily. He claims that its a sin to disobey mother’s words. Realizing Yudishtirans secret desire, Bheemans outraged. Later Kunti confides that she told that on purpose and that it was essential for the brothers to stay united.

Family – Most of them have more than a wife. For Bheeman there is Hidumbi and Balandhara apart from Droupadi. Husbands donot keep track of their wives or kids. Most of their kids come to join them in the war and that is when fathers and sons meet for the first time. Bheeman feels guilty about all this.

Droupadis partiality-The Kalyanasougandikam saga’s quite famous. Bheeman finds the flowers discarded at a lake side after gifts her those [he undergoes quite some trouble to get them]. She loved Arjunan and Arjunan alone. She makes Bheeman promise that he wont let Arjunan face Jarasandhan for the inevitable fight. She comes crying to Bheeman when keechakan misbehaves with her, when her other husbands discard her concerns. Bheeman loves her and anticipates his turn for her, only to hear her let out Arjunans name in her sleep. At the end when all of them leaves for Vanaprastham [or Swargavasam] after a while of travel she collapses. Bheeman tells everyone, but they all leave her behind. Yudistiran replies that she doesnt deserve Swargam as her eyes were always on Arjunan even when she was being his Pattamaharshi for Rajasooyam. She has only Bheeman by her side during her last hours.

Dronacharyar- Another one who was favorably inclined towards Arjunan. He discourages Bheeman from practicing Asthra vidhya even though he was good at it , disagrees to teach Ekalavyan and demands his thumb when he fears Ekalavyan may become a threat to Arjunan. He doesnt allow Karnan to display his abilities for Abhyasaprakadanam as he is Soothaputhran.

Yudishtiran – is shown more as a loser than as The Dharma Raja. He is someone who believes in peace even if someone slaps him. He’s the reason pandavar loses their kingdom, he shamelessly bets even when droupadi is at stake. His brothers obey him throughout. But then finally arjunan blasts him well, thats the part where I started loving Arjunan again :D. Kurukshetra yudham is won mainly with Bheemans power and Arjunans excellence. At the end when only Duryodanan is left, yudishtiran challenges duryodanan to fight with any of the 5 brothers to win back his kingdom. The brothers are left speechless and Krishnan rolls his eyes.

Pitrthvam- Yet another shock.Like Bheeman I also believed that indran is arjunans father, vayudevan bheemans and so on. But at the end of the story there are some shocking revelations regarding the paternity. Yudishtiran confides in Bheeman that Vidurar is his biological father!

Karnan – He is better than Arjunan in archery. But he is denied opportunity at abhyasa prakadanam and at droupadi swayamvaram as he is soothaputhran [turns out that this is true biologically too]. Bheeman when he is about to kill Karnan during the war finds out the truth from his saradhi [I know.. too filmy]. Later on Karnan is killed by Arjunan in a non-Tendulkar way [err..I cant find the proper word..You know the wheel getting stuck on the mud story]

Khadolkachans death – Karnan had got special weapons from Gods and he had reserved it for Arjunan. But hes finally forced to use it against Khadolkachan. When Bheeman is overcome with fatherly grief, Krishnan calls for a celebration as the divyastram has got used up.

Kunthi- Shes quite chalaak, she understands kauravars tactics better than her sons. Shes partial towrds arjunan and even towards yudistiran upto some extent. You get a feeling that she has a heart of stone when you read the part where she tactfully made a tribal mother and 5 sons to stay in arakillam.. so that Duryodanan thinks that the Pandavar is dead. Yudistiran asks Bheeman to become the king, but Vidurar and Kunthi opposes this. By the end of the book youll be able to guess that this was due to Vidurars love for his son.

Abhimanyu- You will be able to identify this guy in every movie made on war. Someone who is young and charming, someone whom you love, but will be killed for sure in a heroic way. I guess all those characters were inspired from this little master. All other heroes are overshadowed by this boys charm. Bheeman is enthralled by his charisma and humility [so is yours truly]. He fights till his last breath and takes down many of his opponents before the merciless knowledgeable so called acharyas along with hundreds of soldiers attack the poor unarmed boy :-(

Now waiting eagerly for the Secret of the Nagas [Second book in the Shiva trilogy]. Ill get it tomorrow <:-P

Finally an explanation : Genetics !

The title of the post is one of my friends comment, upon hearing the below incident.
A few days ago..
Sheela ki jawani songs on tv. Amma watches very few hindi stuff, that too only when we compel her and hold her eyes open.[ How she manages to doze off within 10 mins, that too with our high pitched non stop gibberish around is something i never understand.] However this is one song she likes. After watching for a minute her as usual unanswerable doubts pop up.
Amma : Which is this heroine ? Kareena ?
Me : Katrina.
Amma : Her character in the movies mentally unstable or something ???
Me: I havent seen the movie. But I really dont think so.
Amma : Does she have that disease amir khan had in Gajni ??
Me [raising eyebrow]: Short term memory loss ? No. Where in world did you get that idea from???
Amma : Then why is she going around asking everyone 'Whats my name?' !!!

Aftermath

• Never take anyone for granted. You never know whats going through the other persons mind.



• Try not to be dependant on some one else. Learn to be self sufficient.



• Dont expect everyone in the world to be like you. Once when my roommate freaked out coz she found out someone had suicided in our next room in the past , i told her "Imagine it was you or me who died. Will we come back to trouble innocent people ???" Eventhough this calmed her down, now I know this is not the analysing method i should use in all situations. There are lots of people better than you and much more worse than you. Dont assume just because you wouldnt do something, that others wont too.



• Its impossible to figure out someone completely, or so I think. Or to put in a better way.. people change and forget to tell each other.



• Mistakes are human. Learn from them. Learn to admit. Learn to apologize. Banish excuses.



• It makes you a better and bigger person when you own up your mistakes. Running away from problems just delays it. You will have to face them again.



• Misunderstandings if present, should be cleared at the earliest.



• Your actions speak more than your words. They represent your character, your values and even your upbringing. So please think twice before you act.



• When theres a conflict between your heart and brain, hear both out properly. I feel the heart always assumes things in a way which will not cause pain to it and tries to convince you thats true. Listen to your brains logic too, maybe the brain really had a point.



• Agree to disagree. Respect each others differences and move on.



• When life puts you in an unexpected difficult situation try not to panic. Try to think clearly and calmly. You may blow things out of proportion to an irrecoverable stage when you overreact.



• Be considerate towards others feelings. Always try to think from the other persons persepective.



• Express your feelings at the right time, be it love or anger. You shouldnt wait till the threshold where your anger bursts or deathbeds to show your love.



• Know your duties and responsibilities. Being lazy is not an excuse.



• Its easy to criticize people. You will not know the feeling until you are in their shoes.



• It takes time to earn the good things in life ..trust,love or even a good word among people. While bad things happen easy and fast. Sometimes it doesnt appear fair, when something you earned through years is lost in seconds.



• In the hard race of life, theres no room for the tender hearted. You need to be tough. Even if you arent life has its own ways of making you so.



• Theres no use planning things in life. Man proposes, God disposes. So just sit back and enjoy the ride.



• Last but not the least, practice what you preach .. sigh!